EPISODE 12: DIRTY DEEDS

 [DAY 18]

THE GOV:

 "Well, How does it look?
 *Points to his new eyepatch*
 Is it really that bad? Fucking hell, it hurts. That mad old cow nearly jabbed my eye out with a walking stick of all things! 
 *Coughs*
It took the camera crew and two medics to get the old fossil off of me! She wouldn't stop attacking me, Every time I coughed she came back for another swing. Where do they find these people?!
I could sue you know! I should sue, I could be blind in my one eye for the next three to five months, my image is ruined! That's not going to do me any favors at the polls is it? Who in their right mind is going to want to vote for "One-eyed Dave" the Political Pirate??
Now I know how Captain Crook feels, just stick Polly the Parrot on my shoulder and be done with it..."

Pacco: "Oh gawd.... Brace yourself for The Gov...."

 Wil: "Why is he always coming in here??"

The Gov: "Greetings, Mr. Sampson, Mr. Khuv-uh.... Mr. K for short!"

Pacco: "Who?"

The Gov: "Anyway: I was wondering if the 3 of us could talk?"
Wil: "Is that not what we're doing...?"
The Gov: "Oh yes, of course of course, but I was thinking somewhere more.... private would do?"

Wil: "Sure. Lead the way."

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~



The Gov: "Awhhh YES, now THIS is more like it!!"

Wil & Pacco: "...."

The Gov: "Now, where were we?"
Pacco: "We weren't really anywh--"

 The Gov: "AH yes, indeed INDEED! The two of you were just inviting me into your coalition, yes?"

Wil: "I have zero idea what you're talking about, Gov."
Pacco: "It's okay Willie, your little girlfriend already let the cat out of the bag about our alliance."

 Wil: "Ugh. Of course she did... And wait! She is NOT my girlfriend! I mean-- it's not like she's not NOT my girlfriend, I like her of course, but.... yeah. You know what I mean. We haven't put labels on it yet, okay? So please respect that."

The Gov: "Ahem. I don't have all day, ladies."

Pacco: "YOU don't have all day?! You're the one who-- I mean.... Of course, Mr. Governor. I'd hate to hog up your busy schedule, darling."

 The Gov: "Anyone know when this princess is coming out of the closet?"

 Pacco: "So, Wil, what do you think? Should we squeeze him in?"

 Wil: "Hold the phone, and back this shit WAY up. First off, why are you so keen on joining us? I'll have you know our alliance isn't much of an alliance at all, just roommates sharing information when we get it. I think you somehow got the wrong idea, bud."

The Gov: "Bud? Well, I'll have YOU know, 'bud', that I have no one in this game. My only alliance member was Zelinda, may she rest in peace.
I apologize for coming off strong, but it's because I hate to admit that I am DESPERATE for a union of some sort- not a sentence I said too often during my political career, mind you. I was VERY opposed to closer economic union with Europe, and we all know how well Brexit turned out for everyone... Damn Europeans will never learn how to unite together like the USA!"

Wil: "So? How is that my problem that you don't have anyone to share stories under the covers with at night?"

 The Gov: "It's not really anyone's problem, is it? It's a mutual benefit. You gain valuable intel, I gain valuable intel, we all gain valuable intel!!
Whether or not you're one of those dastardly spies doesn't matter to me, information is currency. And in this game.... I'm filthy rich.
Plus... I already know all 3 of your secrets, so if you decided to REJECT my offer, well... What's stopping me from leaking everything to the other players? Hmmm???"

Wil: "Hah! So what, you're just going to blackmail all 3 of us?!"

Pacco: "I'm just wondering what he could POSSIBLY think is a secret of mine? I am, after all, a rather simple gal."

 The Gov: "Harhaha! Yes, I am more than certain I know the one--or, well, two, Ms. Caitlyn Jenner....  ;-)
...I winked, did anyone catch that? No? Fucking eyepatch. Well, just add the emoticon later and the audience will get it."

Wil: "You know what, I'm calling him out on this one. He's bluffing."
Pacco: "Agreed."

Wil: "And I don't like what he's insinuating about you, Pacco. Accusing someone of being in the closet is one thing, but exposing someone as transgender?! That's a whole other can of worms... I mean.... It's not true...... is it? Because Maya and I keep thinking that MAYBE you haven't been FULLY honest with all of us...? Not that you're obligated to tell anyone, of course! Your body is completely your business, and the matters of your privates, should, well... be kept private."
The Gov: "Sounds to me like you actually want that can opened, no?"

Pacco: "No no, of course not, stop being silly! Do I LOOK or SOUND like a man to you!?"

 The Gov & Wil: "...."

 The Gov: "Back to business.  These 3 secrets can easily stay in this room, as long as I'm included in future coalition meetings. I am not bluffing, because if I were, you'd know. I'm not the best fibber, Zelinda could attest to that. She'd also agree that I'm shit at poker, because what I am going to do next is something you NEVER do in a game of cards, and that is: show my hand.
Pacco, let's just pretend your secret has already been revealed this fine afternoon."

Pacco: "Okay...?"

 The Gov: "And 'Maya'? You gentlemen already know, but I'm sure the rest of the house would be MOST intrigued to learn that little Miss Hansen is actually a complete fraud." *coughs*


The Gov: "As for you Wil, your personal moral dilemma about being the leader on the sinking lifeboat exposed your insecurities about the strong and the weak, as well as your inability to properly handle the lives of others under pressure. Which, when mixed with your obvious disfavor for driving, leads me to conclude that the reason you are in your wheelchair is because of a car accident that was solely YOUR fault, yes? And as a result from this said accident, you lost your college football scholarship, resulting in you no longer fitting in with the 'cool kids', which then resulted in you losing your girlfriend, which, as I'm sure we could all guess.... Ends with you being a failure to your family, with no way to redeem yourself other than starting over on a show called The Mole.
So, how close was I?"

Wil: "...How could you POSSIBLY know all of this?!"
The Gov: "Let's just say... A little birdie told me." ;-)

Pacco: "A little birdie, as in.... An informant in the FBI, perhaps...?"

The Gov: "I already told you. The contacts were on my bureau all along!!"
*proceeds to have a coughing fit*

Pacco: "Even if I forgot your little slip-up there, there's still the time when I overheard your phone conversation on day SEVEN! And guess who was with me? Jan. Jan the Camerawoman, and she recorded the ENTIRE thing! So if I were you, I'd fold, and fast. You're already on the way out, so trying to drag us down with you would only slander your own reputation further."

*The Gov laughs maniacally*

 Wil: "Oh no, did I miss the joke again?"

The Gov: "Harharharhahaw!!! Did you forget who you were dealing with, son?!"

Pacco: "Erm.... no?"

The Gov: "Don't worry about me, I already tied up all my loose ends in a nice little bow. You can't blackmail me back, because you have no evidence. HAR!" *snorts and coughs*

Pacco: "Babe, you must be deaf. JAN HAS THE ENTIRE THING ON TAPE!"

The Gov: "Did you HONESTLY think I wouldn't consider that variable? That we're being recorded at all times?? You must not know very many politicians, lad. If there's ONE thing we politicians know how to do well, it is covering our tracks."

The Gov: "You claim that Jan has the tapes as if she's on your side, well guess what? She ain't. I already bought her out. This conversation we're having right now? No one's going to know it happened except the 4 of us in this room. And that phone call you overheard? Never happened either, because Ms. Janet here already took the liberty to destroy it, as she has for ALL my dirty deeds."

Jan the Camerawoman: "Welllll.... Not ALL of them...."

The Gov: "Pardon?"
Jan the Camerawoman: "I haven't deleted EVERY shot that you've told me to...."
The Gov: "Well what are you doing then?! Destroy them IMMEDIATELY!"

Jan the Camerawoman: "I deleted most of them already, yes. Such as the time you accessed your roommates' laptops by getting their fingerprints while they were sleeping.... And the time you managed to slip away and listen to the confessionals of a few players, oh, and when you used your tie as a secret listening device during--"

The Gov: "Just cut to the chase, woman! Our deal was that EVERYTHING would be wiped squeaky clean! What's the hold up!?"

Jan the Camerawoman: "I needed leverage in case you slighted me, of course. You being you, I knew you might try something sneaky and not pay me my fair share. So, I kept a few takes, but I'll use them ONLY if necessary. Once you cut me a fourth of your earnings, THEN will I delete all of it."

The Gov: "I cannot BELIEVE this!! This is an OUTRAGE! How dare you betray our contract?! What's preventing you from doubling up on your end? How do I know you wouldn't just blackmail me at the end of this and force me to give you ALL my earnings!?"

Jan the Camerawoman: "How do I know you wouldn't just gyp me and leave the country?? Because if I'm not mistaken, this is a social contract, not an official written one!"

The Gov: "Ohhh, you little devil you. I should've known all along, but no, I was foolish to think that you were a woman of your word. Turns out I'm a bad judge of character, once again."

The Gov: "Our little 'arrangement' is now VOID."

Jan the Camerawoman: "OoOoOoh, SHOCKER! David MisHonest Byrd is playing victim, YET AGAIN!"

Jan the Camerawoman: "This is PRECISELY the reason I preserved some evidence, so that YOU couldn't run from the deal mid-season, JUST AS YOU ARE DOING NOW!!
 And I am SO not losing my job over this, so you can bet your ass that I'll be handing over the remaining footage to Production right away."

*The Gov vehemently spits on the floor*

Jan the Camerawoman: "Oh yeah, now that's REAL classy, David!"

The Gov: "You want to see classy!? I'll show you classy....
Fuck your mother,  
FUCK your grandmother,
and most importantly........
FUCK you!"

Pacco: "....He DOES realize that there are hidden cameras and microphones in every room.... right? RIGHT??"

Wil: "Nope, I don't think the big old goof has any idea. He was going to get caught eventually, it seems...."

Wil: "....But wait. Are you saying there are hidden cameras in HERE too?! Oh fuck."

*Pacco & Jan facepalm*

 GILES:

"Hello, world! Oh, uh... again, I've been holding off doing one of these, because, uh...it's been a little bit too wild here and now, and I didn't want to come in here feeling sorry for myself. Man, it's depressing without Eva, but... it's not like I've been all on my lonesome. Hehe. There's the cute little piggy, Okja, and, of course: now there's Paul. I just KNEW he might be gay, so I'm glad I got him to make the first move.... I just had to hold his hand through it is all, an extra nudge in the right direction, if you will. Sure, you might think a smooch on the lips is a big first step, but something like this isn't unnatural for me. I'd spend short periods of time with the other staff aboard cruise ships, and soon enough something happens between us and... and then soon enough the liner docks in the harbour, and we say goodbye like nothing happened. Maybe we see each other later or aboard another cruise liner, but it's never awkward. It never has a reason to be. Not like I'm working as their entertainer and expecting to be married on the open waves, am I right?
Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, Paul. The future between us is unknown, of course, but yeah...he's attractive, and he's kind, and...and I feel like a - whatever rude word you can imagine; I don't know what we can and can't say in this confessional place - but I shouldn't have ever teased him or judged him for his thoughts and his beliefs, because for all I know, he could easily judge me for whatever he doesn't agree with, like...like the situation with Eva, or my commitment issues, 'cause we all know Giles can't settle down. I hope my parents watch this show and are further convinced of my inability to find the perfect human for love, with me jumping from one breathing soul to another. No... I care for Eva and Paul, and sure it's fast, but life is short, my friends, and you lead your life how you wish.
God, how long have I been talking? Now I'm talking to him, up there in the sky. Don't hate on me, dude. Paul and I... we'll see where things go. Thank you."

Paul: "Hmmm... A note?"

'Paul:

 Go to the lighthouse, and you'll find a trail.

Walk the trail along the coast and take a left when the path splits.

From there, look to the stars to guide you; 

Follow the Big Dipper in order to be in for a Big Dicker I mean-- Big SURPRISE!

(lol jk, ignore the stars part, I just wanted this to sound cooler. If you can't find me just yell)

PS: BRING YOUR TRUNKS! [or nothing at all ;-) ]'

*Paul grins*

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 Paul: "Hello? Giles?"

Paul: "Gosh darn. Where is he?!"

Paul: "Giles! WHERE ARE YOU!??"

Giles: "OVER HERE!"

 Giles: "Took you long enough!"

Paul: "Nice to see you too."

Giles: "Haha."

Paul: "Sooo... How did you even find this place??"

Giles: "What can I say? I'm a natural wanderer.

Doesn't hurt that I have a knack for 'entertaining' people in large bodies of water, either....

Also: I asked Jan."

Jan the Camerawoman: "It's a good thing he asked, too. If I hadn't told him about this hot spring, he would've broken into the neighborhood pool, and Production does NOT bail out contestants who break the law!!"

Paul: "Noted."

 Giles: "What are you waiting for dude?! Get in already!"

 Paul: "Erm... right. Before I do, I just wanted to say, about the other day...."

Giles: "Yeah?"

Paul: "I-I wasn't thinking clearly. The game has REALLY been getting to me, y'know, and-- I mean, I think you are a super nice guy and all, but I hope you know that I still see you as just a really great friend."

 Giles: "....You're kidding."

Paul: "No...?"

Giles: "Are you seriously going to try and reenter the closet you JUST stormed out of!?"

Paul: "I'm not sure what you mean--"

Giles: "Bullshit! You know EXACTLY what I mean, Paul. Why can't you just admit that you're gay?"

Paul: "I am not a homosexual. I merely marvel at Man's body time from time."

Giles: "Oh for fuck's sake."

Paul: "What? Don't you? Doesn't everyone? Why else would God make Man if he were ugly? All of God's creations are equally beautiful."

Giles: "Oh, yeah, sure. If that's true, why don't you go find a blobfish and kiss it as passionately as you kissed me? Because, spoiler alert: they are ugly as fuck."

Paul: "To you, perhaps. But every living being on Earth has its purpose. There's a certain beauty- at least I think so- about things those deem as 'ugly'. God doesn't make mistakes, so when you think about it, we are all perfect; exactly as He intended."

Giles: "Riiight... So let me get this straight: If the almighty-guy-in-the-sky doesn't make mistakes, then why aren't YOU straight?"

Paul: "You are misunderstanding what I'm saying, yet again."

Giles: "How so?" 

Paul: "Well.... Like I said. I can appreciate the beauty in Man, but that does not mean I want to LIE with a man."

Giles: "Is that so, eh?"

Paul: "Uh-huh."

Giles: "Then why did you come here tonight?"

 

Paul: "I wanted to enjoy my potentially last night in Norway, of course."

Giles: "Okay. Why did you masturbate in the shower DIRECTLY after seeing me naked?"

Paul: "That's a ridiculous conclusion. You KNOW I was just letting off steam. It had absolutely NOTHING to do with you."

Giles: "Yeah? Then why did you kiss me?"

Paul: "It.... it was a moment of weakness."

Giles: "No, Paul, it was a moment of COURAGE."

Paul: "...."

Giles: "Your whole entire life has been an ongoing game of straight till proven gay. Well, the game is FINALLY over, and guess what? The Earth is still spinning. The heavens haven't fallen from the sky. And Satan certainly hasn't made an appearance.... yet, anyway."

Giles: "You can be your dandy gay self now, Paul.... Insert a billion different cheesy metaphors and motivational quotes here. But at the end of the day, just remember: Choose love over hate. Awareness over ignorance. It's your choice. I choose to be happy every single day, and so far, I'd say it's working!"

Giles: "So what do you say? Time to make a splash?"

Paul: "I would, but I think I need to go sit somewhere and just think for awhile...."

Giles: "...Oh. Okay, that's fine. Let me know if you have any questions, or... if you just feel lost and aren't sure where to go or what to do."

Giles: "God knows I was lost when I was a teenager! Luckily, I found a compass pretty early on that prevented our shitty society from leading me astray. Now, every time I go to bed on a ship, I get to look up at the stars and witness the beauty of it all without the light pollution you'd get from the cities. And in those moments, as I drift off into sleep, I have faith that the ocean and the stars are working side-by-side, silently navigating me to a better and brighter future."

Giles: "That's MY religion: Mother Nature and the Cosmos. I look after them, and they look after me. It's a fair trade-- at least I think so. 

Long story short: The Universe is always listening, and if you go out and seek its wisdom, it's BOUND to answer... One way or another."

Paul: "You've certainly given me a lot to think about.... So thank you... Giles."

Giles: "My pleasure."

Paul: "Now if you'll excuse me.... I want to be alone. That includes YOU, Jan."

 [DAY 19]

 MAYA:

"Alright, so it’s three girls against five guys, and currently, the girls aren’t looking so hot. Not that I want to make this a battle of the sexes, because that’s totally immature, but I would like to see some solidarity amongst us girls! I don’t know what’s going on with Tam and Kaitlin, but someone needs to step in. Am I qualified for that job? Nope, but I haven’t really been qualified for any of the jobs I’ve done this season so here we go. Besides, I’ve been snooping through Gov’s stuff, and should probably lay off before he’s on my trail..."

Maya: "SHIT!"

Maya: "Oh, Tamela, you scared me! I thought you were the Governor!"

Tamela: "And why would that scare you? Well, besides the obvious. He's The Gov. But were you snooping through his stuff or something? Been there, done that."

 Maya: "Oh.... You have?! Did you find anything??"

Tamela: "Just some lock picks and a.... wire cutter? Nothing too interesting or even useful. Why?"

Maya: "Really? That's crazy! Do you want to know something even crazier?! Wil was telling me that he has been slipping Janet money in order for her to delete any bad footage of him!!"

Tamela: "Wait.... SERIOUSLY?"

 Maya: "Heck yes! I can't make this crap up. Pacco has already alerted Production, so Karen and Karmen know about it now. The fate of the Gov and Janet is now in their hands..."

Jan the Camerawoman: "I ain't losing mah job, you can be sure of DAT!"

Tamela: "I can't believe this! Well... ACTUALLY, I suppose I can. He's a dirty stinkin' politician, after all!" 

Maya: "Hahaha, yes, that we're sure of! I'm curious now as to what he's managed to get away with... But enough with talking about men, I do not want to be in a show that fails the Bechdel test. Lord knows how many movies and books have fallen victim to sexism, so I was hoping we could rewrite the history of this season a bit by perhaps, I dunno.... Trying to rally the girls together? Sounds silly, I know, but even though I still have my bodyguard protection tonight, I am NOT confident whatsoever about my ranking scores. Plus, the amount of females in this house is dwindling and I'd absolutely hate to see you or Kaitlin go next. Speaking of Kaitlin.... Where is she?"

Tamela: "Last time I tried opening up to you, you shot me down REAL quick. What's changed? What's your angle here?"

Maya: "No angle, no trick, just a desire to unite the women for once, because the last thing I want is an all-male final 3. That would be embarrassing, especially considering the amount of bozo's we have this season, amiright??"

Tamela: "True."

Maya: "Hehehe, but, erm, about the other thing.... Let's just say I was scared before, but I'm not scared anymore. My burden has been lifted, and I no longer have to pretend to be someone I'm not.... I apologize for shooting you down before, but trust me, it won't happen again. So what do you say? Can we at least all sit down together and have a chat?"

Tamela: "Hmmm.... Alright. And I'm cool with that, but I'm not sure Kaitlin will. Good luck trying to get her to sit and 'have a chat' with me anytime soon..."

Maya: "I know, everyone's been sensing some tension between you two, and actually, I was even hoping I could somehow fix that today? We'll see, but at least give me the chance to. And you never know, Kaitlin might come around quicker than you'd think. She just needs to brood a bit before she can reenter the social scene in this house."

Tamela: "Fine then. Her newest loner spot is at the lighthouse.... Ready?"

Maya: "Why wouldn't I be?"

Tamela: "Just double checking. Let's go."

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 Maya: "I don't see her?"

 Tamela: "Oh god, I hope not! That'd mean she jumped."

Maya: "Wait. You don't mean to say...."

 Maya: "That she's, you know....."

Maya: "At the TOP?!" *gulps loudly*

Tamela: "Yeah, what did you think I said?"

Maya: "Suddenly I have a cramp. Perhaps we should just wait till tonight?"

Tamela: "There's no time, we have to do the ranking and then BAM, execution ceremony.

I thought you were a fitness trainer??"

Maya: "Ahaha, yeeeeah.... Funny story, actually! Buuut that's for another time..."

Tamela: "Well, no matter, we better get a move on before it gets too dark."

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Maya (huffing and puffing): "S-sky..... Ocean-n.... Fre-fresh air! I THINK WE FINALLY MADE IT!"

Tamela: "Yes, fitness buff. You made it up a dozen flights of stairs alive. Congratulations."

Maya: "Ooh trust me, I know! This is nothing short of a MIRACLE!"
Jan the Camerawoman: "You and me sister, you and me."

Kaitlin: "What brings you all the way up here?"

Tamela: "Kaitlin--"

Kaitlin: "Please don't waste your time with an apology; I don't want to hear one."

Tamela: "You're in luck then, because I've only come up here under Maya's wish."

Kaitlin: "Maya? What could she possibly want? The girl hasn't spoken a word to me since she latched herself onto that cripple."

Maya: "Erm. Standing right here...."

Kaitlin: "Yes, I'm aware."

Maya: "...."

Tamela: "She has good intentions Kaitlin, I promise. 

Maya.... Take it away!"

Maya: "Oh gosh, umm..... Putting me on the spot! Hehe, uhhh......." 

Tamela: "I knew this would be a disaster."

 Maya: "Okay, welp, look. I feel like I've let both of you gals down...."

 Maya: "BUT that's why I'm here! I am here to right my wrongs."

Kaitlin: "And how do you plan on doing that, if I may ask?"

Maya: "I already apologized to Tamela for shrugging her off awhile back. As for you Kaitlin, I am truly sorry if you feel like I've ignored you ever since I've started getting to know Wil better. That was never my intention, to hurt you or anything like that. We're the last remaining girls in this competition, and we've done a horrible job supporting each other through this. I think we should band together, and put our differences aside, and work on getting some of those boys out!
So, what do you think?"

Kaitlin: "You REALLY want to know what I think?"

Maya: "Er.... yeah, I think that's the point of why I climbed up the Eiffel tower to get here...."

Kaitlin: "I think that you don't genuinely mean that, because while your brain is telling you that now, it'll be a different story when you're forced to choose between us and Wil. And when that happens, your heart will win over your brain, and your common sense will be overpowered by your ridiculous affection for some random guy. But don't beat yourself up over it, this ALWAYS happens. Always. Women can never learn to stick together because they are always lusting over a man. It's nature, I get it. 

However: If or when you learn to overcome and control what your instincts program you to do, come find me, THEN we'll talk seriously."

 

Kaitlin: "Anyways, I have a Ranking to study for.

While YOU princesses might be safe tonight, I know that I am not."

Kaitlin: "Oh, and, uh.... Be careful not to trip on the way down, I've known a man who did. As I'm sure you could guess: He didn't survive."
Maya & Tamela: "...."

Tamela: "Hey, at least you can say you tried, right?"

 Maya: "Yeah.... I suppose."

The Gov: "Who's driving there? Wil, you up for it?"

Wil: "Good one, Gov..."
Maya: "Yeah, fucking comedian over there, ladies and gents."
*Wil snorts*

K: "Pssst! Over here!"

The Gov: "Little Byrd? Is that you? Big Byrd here. I think we've been compromised!"

K: "No, you big 'ole lyin' and cheatin' sack of cheese, it's Karmen! I need all of you to please enter the enclosure for a special announcement."

Maya: "Awww little Okja, why you so cute!?"

 K: "Moments ago, the 2 Spies locked in their assassination target, and the 6 Agents completed their ranking, in anticipation for tonight's execution ceremony...
...But what if I told you there was a way to prevent ANY of you from actually leaving this evening?"

 Giles: "Colour me interested!!"
The Gov: "What's the catch?"

K: "Well, as you all know, an execution can never be stopped. There must ALWAYS be a sacrifice to the Mole Gods, so if I protect the 8 of you, someone or something else must be sacrificed in your place, and that unfortunate soul tonight could potentially be.......... Okja."

K: "By executing Okja, there is absolutely no reason to execute another player tonight, and therefore you can ALL enjoy your last night in Norway together-- with a nice meal of bacon, if you wish.
If the majority votes for this option, one of you must slaughter Okja. We'll give you the proper tools to do so, or, if you so prefer, you may use your bare hands to humanely CRACK open her neck."

*Okja growls*

K: "But I must forewarn you: While murdering an innocent creature for shallow reasons will likely not be great for your own personal karma, I can ENSURE you that it won't be great for the group's COLLECTIVE karma, either."

K: "So: Choose NOT to kill Okja, and we will immediately proceed with our planned execution ceremony where at least 1 of the 8 of you WILL be permanently eliminated from the game.
All I need now from everyone is a YAY vote in favor of public execution, or a NAY vote in favor of saving Okja. Please do so now."

Kaitlin: "Over my dead body will you kill Okja!"
Maya: "What the hell?! Nay, fucking NAY! What kind of SICK motherfuckers would even choose such a disgusting option??? I'm horrified! If Okja is gonna be killed, I'm kidnapping her and taking her to safety. Screw the fucking sickos that think otherwise!!"

Wil: "Yeah... No. I can't... I just can't be responsible for-... not again.... absolutely not..."

Giles: "Colour me NOT so interested anymore.... I like bacon, sure, but killing  Okja?! I want to stay in this game, but Eva would KILL me if that meant slaughtering her little piglet!"
 Paul: "Yeah, and if you don't value a living being more than a higher rank on this show it only proves what a truly selfish, unsympathetic person you really are..."

 Pacco: "Hmmm... If you think about it my darlings, all creatures must die, and this little piggy already caught her lucky break when Karmen here saved her from the factory farm.

THAT BEING SAID..... I'm not sure I could live with myself, knowing I agreed to murder an innocent piglet.... And I doubt the rest of you could either, with the Governor being the only exception."

Maya: "Ooh, I absolutely LOVE Paramore!! Her hair is always on fleek, too."

 Pacco: "I'm voting NAY.
I am exempt tonight, got the full suit of armor like most of you. And I'd rather not waste it by granting everyone immunity and likely ending up on the chopping block in a future DOUBLE ELIMINATION, no doubt."

 The Gov: "As this has been put to a democratic vote, I would say so far the consensus is that we keep little omelette or whatever her name is...
I'm voting NAY.
  As much as I'd like not to go home tonight, I wouldn't be very popular with my voters if I killed a piglet, it's just common sense."

 Giles: "If not tonight, the elimination will come for us all.
....Or, at least, most of us. Killing a little piggy shouldn't be bargained with to temporarily save us from elimination. So yeah, no way in Norway, Jose. I vote NAY.
 Okja is not dying tonight. Not under my watch!"
 Wil (muttering): "Y-yeah... NAY... Just... Just no."

 K: "That's 5, the majority has spoken:
The execution ceremony can no longer be prevented."

 *Okja celebrates*

K: "Congratulations, Agents! You passed my mini-morality test. By voting to save Okja, you all just added $30 to the group pot! NOICE!! That is GREAT Karma for everyone!!!!!
Right, so: We will continue with tonight's execution as planned.
Your GPS will guide you to the location.
See you all there. Toodles!"

 
K: "Earlier today, Jan handed over the footage that appears to show the Governor violating several of our rules."
The Gov: "Who's this 'Governor' guy people keep talking about? He sounds like a real tool!"

 K: "Although we don't have concrete evidence-- as most of that evidence has been erased-- we have enough evidence to punish him, and his punishment will be losing any armor he has accumulated thus far. 
That being said, let's not have you waste any more of our precious time here, Gov:
Without armor to protect your lyin' 'n cheatin' ass, you evidently have the lowest score tonight, and therefore....."

K: "Have been EXECUTED."

K: "Karma came back and bit you in the fat ass fast, didn't it?"

*The Gov throws off his coat and takes off his dress shirt, revealing a hideously bright Hawaiian t-shirt*
The Gov: "Well, it's about time!"
 *coughs*

The Gov: "I'd love to stay and ponder my farewells with you all, but to be honest, it was a chore being nice to you people."
*laughs*
"In the next hour I'll be on a flight to Cuba and in the next 24 hours I'll be sat on a beach somewhere sipping piña coladas and smoking enough cigars to start a forest fire."

The Gov: "You see, before I was sent to play this pitiful little game, I was arrested by the FBI for corruption in my home state of Washington. I was looking at a 30-year sentence for bribery, tax evasion, corruption, suspected arms dealing..... I could go on and on.
 I'm not proud of what I did, I did it because I had been through a messy divorce and I had lost everything I held dear to me. If you had been through what I had been through, I am sure you would do the same.
So when I was arrested, that's when the FBI offered me a lifeline... Be an insider; an informant, if you will, on this new Mole season OR face jail time. Of course, I chose the easy way out."
*Laughs and coughs*

The Gov: "The FBI heard (very potentially false)  rumors that the UN would be hiring a new recruit through this season of The Mole, and because the FBI desperately wanted an insider on the floor of the UN, their best bet was to send in an undercover agent under the ruse of them being a contestant. Of course, they chose me because I had no prior history with the Bureau and I would be the LAST person you would expect to be an FBI agent.
So, now that I'm out all I can say is... Fuck you all! Fuck the Bureau and FUCK this backstabbing government!!
 I'm fleeing the country before the authorities catch up with me...
SO LONG, SUCKERS!!!"

 *The Gov shoves Tamela to the side*

Tamela: "AUGH!!"

 
K: "WOW. DRAMATIC EXIT, MUCH??
Why The Governor, you ask? Well, we figured a politician would be an interesting addition to the cast, especially considering their reputation for lying through their teeth every time they face a crowd. But we also wanted to give an unlucky soul the chance to fully explain himself, show the world his true colors-- for better or worse. The Gov taught us that truly, everyone believes they are doing the right thing, but at the end of the day, each individual is always looking after their best interest, politician or not.
ANYWHO: I've loved getting to know all of you, but I'm afraid our time together is up. Your flight back to the states departs in one hour... Toodles, my lovelies!!"

Maya: "Nooo!! I don't want to leave Skyrim! ...I mean Norway."

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